No Punchline Needed for Some News Items...

Happy Friday. I saw this AP item and just shook my head.

Rapper Remy Ma isn't letting jail derail her wedding plans. The Grammy-nominated artist aims to marry her fiance, fellow rapper Papoose, at Rikers Island jail while she awaits her sentencing for shooting a friend she suspected of stealing $3,000.
About 200 weddings a year are performed in the jailhouse.

I can just imagine what's on that bridal registry....

AND:

A 13-year-old was attacked in Fenway Park by a red-tailed hawk. She was touring Fenway Park on a school trip and was attacked by a resident hawk that drew blood from her scalp. The girl wasn’t seriously hurt. Her name? Alexa Rodriguez.

Six things I hate about going to the doctor’s office

Sorry but I must vent today. Visited the doctor's office for my annual physical. Apart from them lodging coverage of American Idol out of my ass, I'm fine.

6.) The insurance copay. C’mon, just bill me. It’s fine. I'll pay you. Let’s move on.

5.) Never make me wait in your waiting room—especially when I’m the first patient of the day. I made it there on time. So can the doctor.

4.) Have some current magazines in your waiting area. By current, I mean this century.

3.)Don’t make me go somewhere else to give blood. This is a doctor’s office isn’t it? The Doctor's office no longer draws blood. Can you belive it? That's like visiting a farm and not being able to draw milk from a cow.

2.) Is it too much to ask for the office to hire some attractive talent? The broads I saw today were hot in the era of Cecil B. Demille. That's right. Google him. I'll wait.

1.) If you insist on crossing the street can we first ask permission? Any guy knows what "crossing the street" means when talking medical visits. It's the test men ALWAYS decline. I can't believe some dudes like it this way.

I Hate to be Ned Negative Here….

Lord knows I’m no economic whiz. But when I see the Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke make statements such as, “We might be in a recession.” I start to question his money compass. Might? Dude, pick up a newspaper. Better yet, go gas up or visit a grocery store.

Might? One uses words like might as in, "I might tag Anne Hathaway." Of course, I may not. But the word implies an air of uncertainty. Make no mistake. The recession is here. And call me picky but the Federal Reserve Chairman should have more on his resume than being one of those pictured on the Smith Bros. coughdrop box.

Bernanke’s statements such as these make me yearn for the days of Alan Greenspan… that crazy, and often cryptic, Tolkien character. Might makes Greenspan’s “irrational exuberance” comment seem like an iron-clad truth by comparison.

Show of hands. How many of you did I lose?

Uncle Ronny Couldn't Be Wrong...

Republicans are forever trying to wrap themselves in the Reagan cloak. This is an entry from the Ronald Reagan Diaries...It's too priceless.

"A moment I've been dreading. George brought his n'er-do-well son around this morning and asked me to find the kid a job. Not the political one who lives in Florida ; the one who hangs around here all the time looking shiftless. This so-called kid is already almost 40 and has never had a real job. Maybe I'll call Kinsley over at The New Republic and see if they'll hire him as a contributing editor or something. That looks like easy work." --May 17, 1986.

My Top 10 Moments at Yankee Stadium

In honor of the last Opening Day at the renovated Yankee Stadium, here are my top 10 moments:

10:) Opening Day 1997--Mariano Rivera pitching to Oakland's Mark McGwire--I still remember the sound of the bat meeting the ball. McGwire swatted it for a homer. Midway through the 1997 season, McGwire is shipped to St. Louis. Next year, Big Mac topples Roger Maris' single season home run record.

9.) Red Sox-Yanks 1986--A seemingly harmless fly ball down the left field line ignited a huge brawl wherein the New York police hauled entire rows out of the Stadium. Some juiced up Red Sox fan grabbed a Yankee hat and poured beer all over it. It's also the first time, I heard the chant of "asshole, asshole" serenading the departed patron.

8.) July 2000- Yankees go into the 9th inning trailing Oakland, 1-0. I'm sitting in the left field seats with Tommy Koenig and Tommy Gooch. Two comedy greats. In the bottom of the ninth, Bernie Williams homers off of Jason Isringhausen. On the next pitch, newly acquired sparkplug David Justice homers to win the game. I raced out of the stadium just to hear John Sterling's predictable radio call...."And Justice Prevails in New York." Great stuff.

7.) August 6, 1980--My first game at the Stadium. Driving there from Connecticut seemed like an eternity. Reggie Jackson hits homerun number 399 and makes a diving catch in right field. His biggst fan, my grandmother, asks for all to hear, "Is Reggie Catholic?" I'll never ever forget the portal leading into the stadium...forever etched on my brain. I never saw grass that green. The outfield seemed to go forever. My brother, however, will remember it as the day someone threw gobs of mustard on his scorecard from the upper deck. Even at 11 years old I quickly surmise: "We're No Longer in Connecticut."

6.) September 1985. With the Yankees barely hanging on the race, New York opens a key series with Toronto. Dubbed "Sweep or Weep," the most memorable moment sadly happened when anthem singer Mary O'Dowd forgot the words to the national anthem. Yankees lose the division by two games.

5.) Opening Day 1990- Yankees-Indians. Cleveland Indians slugger Joe Carter sends a long fly ball to center field. Yankee Centerfielder Roberto Kelly has it in his sights and drifts back, back, back.... At the fence, Kelly mis-times his leap and the ball goes off his glove for a homer. I look at my friend Tim and say, "It's going to be a very long year."

4.) Mets-Yankees, 2006--These are the best seats I've ever had at the Stadium (Thank you, Annette Gucciardo). Directly in back of the catcher, we are seating with the beautuful people. How beautiful? Philip Seymour Hoffman, (who stole his Oscar for Capote over David Staithairn's Ed Murrow in Good Night and Good Luck) Penny Marshall, and some dude who looked as if he could have been someone. Heavy rains interrupt Mike Mussina's perfect game in the fifth innning and the delicate Moose doesn't answer the bell after the delay. The funny thing is the deluge forced the patrons to run for cover forcing a chance meeting with "PSH." I smile at him and say "I loved you in "The Talented Mr. Ripley. My friend Gooch sneers, "Ripley? How about "Scent of a Woman." Oooh Ah Oooh Ah...much to the disdain of Hoffman. He looked at us like commoners.

3.) October 14, 1999--Game Two American League Championship Series --These are the worst seats I've ever had at the Stadium--high in the right field bleachers. Ramon Martinez matched up against David Cone. Once again the Red Sox took a one-run lead into the 7th. Jason Varitek and Troy O'Leary both had what looked like sure home runs hit off the top of the wall earlier in the game, and both were stranded. Luck was on the Yankees side again in the 7th when Paul O'Neill blooped a hit into left field, scoring the go-ahead run that decided the game. Yankees win the game and later, the ALCS and World Series.

2.) May 14, 1996--Doc Gooden's no-hitter against the Seattle Mariners. The only reason I'm at this game is because my friend Tim had the presence of mind to request the Seattle game as a voucher for the opener's snow-out. You've got to be extremely lucky to throw a no-no and Doc was at least that night. He walked five batters that night and was in constant trouble. And the Mariners had Ken Griffey, A-ROD, and Yankee killer Edgar Martinez. By the sixth inning, the fans were counting the outs. 35,000 in attendance that night. Irony of ironies, I've never caught a sniff of a foul ball and here I am at a no-hitter. Jeter caught the last out. And as with every no-hitter, it was saved by a great defensive play by center fielder Gerald "Ice" Williams, (remember him?)

1.) October 30, 2001 Game 3, World Series--Hands down, the coolest moment ever at the Stadium. There was a palpable fear that night that some terrorist would open up a dirty bomb. President Bush--before he revealed himself to be the worst president since Jimmy Carter--threw out the first pitch to the chants of "USA, USA, USA." 57,000 in attendance. Air Force One visible beyond left field. Snipers on the roof. Some people thought, including myself, that they might die in the Stadium that night. But what better place to die, right? I'll never forget the fighter jets (F-15, F-16--whatever it takes) that flew over the Stadium and patrolled the air space above. We were sitting up so high I probably have jet fuel on me from the rockets. Oh and The Yankees cut the Diamondbacks lead in half behind Roger Clemens, Mariano Rivera, and Jorge Posada.

( To view the World Series boxscore, click here.)